Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
there is glitter all over my balls
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