I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
