u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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