one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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