Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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