That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
