Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
