i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
