i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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