There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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