I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Houston, we have a squirter
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
