Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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