While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
