I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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