I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
