I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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