What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
