If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
