You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
