We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
