Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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