So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Can you bring me the toilet please
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
