I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
