Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
