My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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