i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
