Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
