Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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