Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
