were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
