His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
