two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
