First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
