i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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