You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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