I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
