I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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