I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
