yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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