The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
