When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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