not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
