I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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