omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
