Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
