She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
