people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
there's paper in my vomit.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
