ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
