smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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