Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
