so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
