Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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