Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
