Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
