God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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