My underwear smells like fireworks.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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