Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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