Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
