Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
there is glitter all over my balls
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
