I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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