Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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