In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm really busy with my period
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