Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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