I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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