he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize