You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
